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viernes, 9 de febrero de 2007

Situaciones comprometidas

Güey púseme a pensar en situaciones comprometidas en el ámbito masculino. Me refiero a esas cosas que no podemos hacer un público por quedar mal, aunque a mí me parecen la mar de normales. Por ejemplo, ¿a quién no le han entrado nunca las ganas de rascarse la entrepierna por motivo de un picor? ¿O de colocarse el paquetillo cuando está descolocado? ¿O de rascarse el ojallo cuando estás con un grupo de chicas? ... A mí no, pero seguro que hay gente que sí. Ahora paso a relatar los distintos métodos que hay para solucionar estos casos.

Estás dando un paseo con tus amigos/as y de repente lo notas. Un picor que te recorre la pierna hasta llegar a la entrepierna. ¿Seguirá subiendo? Lamentablemente no. El picor se queda ahí. En las partes X. ¿Qué hacer en este caso? ¿Rascarse descaradamente? ¿Aguantar el picor hasta la muerte? Son dos opciones, pero el ser humano tiene técnicas más sofisticadas y tecnológicas: LOS BOLSILLOS. Los bolsillos son los responsables de que los hombres no se hayan extinguido debido al picor de güevos. El procedimiento para hacerlo desaparecer es el siguiente:
- Introducir en el bolsillo la mano correspondiente al lado en el que se siente el picor. Este gesto debe hacerse con naturalidad, sin levantar sospechas, como si tuvieras las manos frías.
- Indagar con la mano hasta llevarla al lugar adecuado. Se recomienda sacar del bolsillo las carteras y llaves antes de indagar completamente, para tener una mayor libertad de movimiento y un giro de muñeca perfecto. Los falanges también deben moverse de forma perfecta.
- Arrascar con fuerza a la par que de forma disimulada. Esta es la parte más importante y la que nos salvará del picor. Se debe rascar de forma suave y eficaz, para eliminar el picor completamente y sin levantar sospechas. Para despistar es recomendable disimular la cara de placer que se pone al final de este proceso.
Para desvergonzados y sin reputación les aconsejo el sistema "mano p'adentro el calzoncillo y a arrascar". Es más rápido y efectivo, pero les pido por caridad que se laven la mano después.

Otro caso es el de descolocación del paquete. Para este caso se puede usar un sistema similar al de picor de güevos. Aunque yo (si me pasara) usaría el viejo método de colocación de camuflaje. Como camuflaje se puede usar el que te estás colocando el cinturón o subiéndote la cremallera. Eso a gusto y comodidad de cada uno. Sigo insistiendo en el sistema de mano p'adentro, es el más eficaz.

El picor de ojallo es el más complicado de todos. Eso se debe a que al estar atrás, la gente que viene hacia a ti desde esa dirección te cacha de pleno. La solución ideal residiría en que los bolsillos del culo (no de atrás, como la gente dice erróneamente) llegaran al ano. Pero no lo hacen. Y el picor sigue. ¿Rufidor, qué debo hacer? Muy sencillo. El sistema pasa por el uso de un útil y corriente artilugio: LA PARED. Bueno, no es un artilugio, un artilugio es un palo, pero eso no sirve... ¿O sí? xD. Ahora en serio. Una pared puede ser la salvación para un moribundo por picor anal. Supongo que os imaginaréis el planteamiento. Uno se tiende en una pared y se rasca el ojallo a gusto y lo más fuerte que pueda, pa acabar rápido. POR DIOS HACEDLO POR FUERA DEL PANATALÓN. Esta vez no hay sistema rápido por dentro. No es computable. ¡No es computable! Ni lavar la mano ni hostias. Eso no se hace, cochinos.

Después de este tutorial todo el mundo sabrá salir de esas situaciones comprometidas QUE YO NO HAGO (bueno, a veces sí, jujuju). Aunque siempre valdrá el procedimiento que se lleva usando desde el jurásico: decir "bueno, ahora me voy a .... y me siento orgulloso de ello jajaja." (sustituír los puntos suspendidos por una de las situaciones anteriores). La mayoría de las veces quedas bien, como si lo hiceras de broma, pero alguna que otra vez te mirarán mal y quedarás con el culo.

Espero que este manual les sea útil en situaciones comprometidas venideras.

Saludos.

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